These past three months have been anything but peaceful...to say the least! I've missed blogging so so much and that unconscious almost nagging voice in my brain telling me to blog has been present since pretty much three months ago when I last blogged but it is finally SUMMER 2012 and I have officially graduated high school!

It's been such a hectic three months and so much has happened that it'd be almost impossible to stuff it all in here.  But in simple words: exams, graduation & summer. Right now, it's around 6:00am in Hong Kong...I've been up for 3 hours already and this has not been a not so amusing experience of jet lag - my first in the two years that I've been traveling to and fro England.  Now that exams are over, I've finally resumed any resemblance of a social life, and officially, regular blogging.  I cannot even stress how relieving it was coming out of that last exam (I cheered, out loud and got weird stares from those in the lower years) and knowing I would never have to do maths ever again - most likely the highlight of my life so far.  And then the milestone-ness of the situation kind of sank in and I realized that never again will I ever sit in a classroom of 8 or 9, getting homework and being almost spoon-fed information.  Never again am I going to wake up in my room in my boarding house, eat with the same people that I have been for the past 2 years at the school cafeteria.  I'm already missing the pretty bad food at the cafeteria - something I never thought was possible.

Strangely enough, because of exams, these 3 months have also been the most relaxing in terms of general worrying about other things.  Most probably it's because I knew I had to concentrate on that one thing and just pushed everything else to the side - whatever I did mentally though, it's working. Somehow, I feel like I've grown a lot just in the past 3 months, as much of an overstatement as that seems. Having graduated though, I am now more than fully ready for a LONG summer of just fun, hanging out with friends and general chilling before everyone jets off to different countries and for the first time in our lives, probably find our homes in other countries. It's a strange thing, nostalgia. Sometimes, it's so happy to look back on all past 13 years and think about the memories but at other times, it can be such a bitter experience as well.

Either ways, as you can probably tell by now, this really is just a general 3 month catchup post condensed into however many words. I am definitely back to regular blogging though so for everyone who's' been checking updates regularly - thank you so much for waiting! And for the few stragglers who've come by - enjoy (:

When they say time works in a whole other dimension of its own, they really weren't joking.  Sometimes I wonder how it is that I've reached the imminent graduation of high school - 13 years of homework, excuses and procrastination that seems to have passed in a blink of an eye.  And then at other times (mostly when I'm in class), I wonder how it is that a year seems to have passed mentally but the second hand on the clock is still tediously ticking away.  In a wider scale though, I thought maybe I'd take the time (ignore pun) out today and write something for the me in the past, and the future me.  It occasionally comes up in discussions "If you could go back in time and give however many and whatever advice you could to your younger self, what would it be?" and I thought I might give it a go today, so here goes: 

To pre-17 year old me: 

You've made it! You never figured you could, but you're here - almost at the end of your secondary school education.  Those daunting 13 years that you thought could never finish has finally reached its end.  Whatever doubts, complications and troubles you've having now is all insignificant - because you're healthy, you're alive and you're happy.  In terms of advice though - man, I've racked up an endless list already.  First of all, make sure you're listening to your Mom.  As much as you hate putting on those creams and face masks, they're going to save you lots and lots of trouble once you're14 and the curse known as puberty hits. Trust me.  Don't quit all those things that you previously thought were useless like piano and swimming and tennis etc.  Without them, your personal statement would be rendered into nothing and you'd have missed out on some of the greatest memories you could ever make!  Don't fret about that girl who's been making bitchy comments about you in the toilet and definitely don't over worry about the gossip and rumours that are floating around - because at 17, you'll regret ever wasting your time, heart and mind on superficial things like that.  Do believe in yourself though, and don't envy those around you.  Treasure your first crush and the first time you were ever confessed to (and don't delete that email!) because many years from now, you'll be looking on these memories fondly.  Keep a hold of all those people who've ever supported you and helped you, stood you up, brushed your knees and wiped your tears - because even now, they're still your best friends and the people you love most.  Last of all, don't let your own insecurity and pride hold you back! <- I know this is a particular weakness of yours.  Don't let that fester and fester - tell your family and friends you love them! Make an effort to hug them and to remind them how important they are, otherwise 3/4/5 years down the line, you'll regret never having done those things when you aren't 5000 miles away and the thought becomes infinitely more awkward.

Last of all, do drink as much milk as you can, sleep as early as you can and keep jumping rope like crazy.  Being a midget at the height of 5'2 is a pain in the ass.  

To 27 year old me in the future: 

This is me...or really you at the age of 17. I really don't know what you've accomplished (or maybe haven't accomplished) in these 10 years but whatever it is you're doing now and however your life is like - I hope you're happy with where you are.  Just reminding you though, at the age of 17, 27 was your ideal age to get married and have kids so if you're still as single as ever (if the love life of present you is any indication), get your butt off your chair and go and have some fun and meet someone! And preferably, stop reading those romantic comedies that will undoubtedly still be covering your bookshelf from floor to ceiling.  I want to tell you that right now, as you/I'm writing this, you're worrying about your A levels, university and craving the Easter holiday that'll be arriving in 2 weeks time.  You've somehow managed to hold on to your friends in these two years, and are closer to your family than ever (although your/our/my brother's definitely going through a rebellious phase that you wish he weren't).  You're happy blogging, translating and being an all round internet/computer dependent junkie.  I definitely hope you keep doing these things- that you're still reading manga at the age of 27 or still regularly going on fiction press and checking out their romance fiction archive!  That you still remember how much you ship Gajeel and Levy and that you still remember exactly why you named your blog "lemonade&roses", because these things are a testament of who you once were/who I now am.   Maybe...by some miracle, you'll be married?  Or you'll have children? By an even bigger miracle, maybe you have managed to strike the perfect balance between the career and family woman you always wanted to be.  Whatever you're doing though, I hope you have new dreams that you want to chase after and old dreams that you've already reached for.  Most of all, I hope you're not cynical, jaded or even remotely regretful of the things you're doing now and the time you might feel you've wasted.  I hope you're still a closet dreamer and a hopeless romantic, that you can still memorize Harry Potter's family tree and that you're not sorely regretting the numerous amount of piercings you got as a teenager (you really did think they were cool then.)

Love,
the 17 year old you right now who really should be going to sleep.

If I had to choose from any saying in the world, the one that I feel is most ridiculous and false and definitely inapplicable to myself it'll probably be the famous sticks and stones quote.  Sometimes, the reality of the pain that you feel from being hurt from words or just silent actions takes us back by surprise, I think.  Because even when you know the things said are untrue and that the person saying them is about as false as the things they're spewing, it still hurts like crap.  

"The pen is mightier than the sword", "Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" are both equally famous quotes that carries connotations of such different things.  In essence, it really is just a battle between the mental and the physical.  This probably differs for every single person out there, some of us are good at ignoring what others think and striding our way through life like it's a battlefield (which really it probably kind of is sometimes); others of us tread carefully, more sensitive, more careful.  Either way though, I don't believe there's a single person out there who has never been hurt, never feels hurt or will never be hurt. It's something that'll happen no matter what.  Something I learnt a while ago is that no matter how strong and impenetrable your defences are around your body or your heart, someone out there somewhere will chip it away, whether with love or hate, warmth or cruelty.  

Earlier today, I was watching one of my favourite youtubers talk about feeling down because of a negative comment she'd read.  And I think it's true, sometimes there could be an infinite amount of good things in your life and you could have as many supporters as you'd ever want but there'll always be that one comment that brings you down and makes you feel worthless.  Situations where I feel as though my parents aren't supporting my decisions, or when i've gotten into a pretty bad fight with a friend over nothing in particular or just general bad mood days - sometimes that one event is enough to make my day spiral down into this sinking blackness.  The truth is : we all get hurt in different ways.  Most of the time, I think i'd opt to be physically hurt than to received verbal insults or emotional pain. Bruises will fade, wounds will heal but scars will always remain - and out of all the scars you could possibly have, I think an emotional one is the worse because it plays with your feelings and your brain.

Despite how sad the comic actually is, I still think the characters are just so incredibly cute.

If I want to mature in any aspect of my life, I'd definitely choose my emotional vulnerability.  Too often, I find myself worrying and thinking about comments that people have made, however off handedly.  I fret a lot too about comments that I've made myself to people carelessly, wondering if they've hurt them too like other comments hurt me.  Just yesterday, I had a pretty dismal phone conversation with my mom who was on one of moods and despite me being able to tell she'd completely disapproved with what I'd told her, she just wouldn't tell me why and was passing it off as though nothing was wrong.  These situations engrave themselves on my mind and as I've grown up, I've found that I'm still as ever, unable to shake off the dissatisfaction of being unable to meet everyone's expectations.  There are an enormous amount of choices we make that are based on everything but what we think is right for us.  Family pressure, peer pressure or just general life circumstances thrown our way sometimes prevent us from speaking out and fighting for what we want.  As inspirational as it is to see people who chase after what they want, for the majority of us, there's also a certain sense of "I want to be them but I know I can't" feeling that comes with it.  And so, more than anything I hope that one day I'll grow into someone who will gain respect not because i'm doing everything 'right' for my family or in life, but because i'm doing something 'right' for me.

My friend and I found ourselves in really quite a strange situation the other day.  For some reason unknown to both of us, we'd decided to have some actual substantial and deep conversations on twitter... Why we didn't at least go for emailing or facebook inboxing is beyond me.  So with twitter's ridiculous 140 character limit and consequently conversations that contain appalling grammar and abbreviations we've now racked up around a hundred tweets or so between us all the while talking about serious things such as what we'll do in the future and whether we'd ever have the oppurtunity to do some soul searching during our time in university.

Soul searching isn't something entirely new for me in the sense that I have thought about it before.  Even when I was a kid I used to be crazily concerned about whether I'd find something that I'd love to do and whether what I chose in the end would be the 'right' career path for me to pursue.  I know, I know, I was one worried worried child.  The thing is though now that I'm older and I've actually chosen a degree to study in university, I'm still constantly plagued by what ifs and plain confusion.  Frankly, I honestly really have no idea what I really want to do or whether I made the 'right' choice in choosing to do Law.  But at the same time, unlike before when this was a constant source of worry, I've slowly developed a "I'll figure it out in time" mentality.  Some people would definitely regard this as a "bad" mentality to have - because they'd believe that it encourages you to go with the flow and never truly chase after what you want.  Some of my other friends though seem to think that it's okay to take it slowly and discover what you want to do and that opportunities would slowly present themselves in life.  

Personally I think everyday of my life, whether consciously or subconsciously, I do a little soul searching.  From small things like reading articles/world news on newspapers, indulging myself in my little translation 'professional' moments to big things like going to a completely new country and uprooting myself from my daily life, all of these are in essence aiding me in my 'soul searching' journey.  If i were completely honesty, it's true.  I would like to know exactly what makes me tick, and what occupation I'd be most suited for.  It'd also be amazing if I excelled in what I chose to do and learned to love my job but at the same time I think i've long since given up the delusion that I'd suddenly wake up one day and figure it out.

Having done more research into the course that I've applied for in university and been offered a place for, I've discovered that if I did really well in my freshman year at uni, I'd be eligible for two years abroad in Columbia in the US.  Apparently, there's only ever two spaces available for the university and it's by invitation only - in other words, inapplicable.  Despite this though, from the moment I found out, I think it's been ingrained into my mind - this idea of being able to go somewhere else for 2 years.  Strangely enough, I've always thought that I'd love it in America - maybe it's because of television and advertisements or just what I associate with the US but even if I have no idea what it's really like there, I still think it'd be better to test out the waters than to hold firmly on to my roots and never let go.  And what better opportunity than to try and be one of those two people?  So despite how ridiculously hard it must be and how hard i'll have to work, I definitely hope I'll be able to do just that.  

I don't really think soul searching is just about finding out who you are.  Who you are changes constantly, and over these past two years, I think i've changed a lot as a person as well.  Instead I think of it more as forging myself into the person that I want to be in the future. There's so many questions, the most basic questions in life I think, that can have so many different answers.  Questions like: Where is home? What are you doing? Where are you going? Answers to all of these questions have constantly changed even just throughout my 17 years.   Like a lot of things, I think finding yourself is a process of forging and making choices - the only answer is the one that you yourself has the ability to create.

"It is good to feel lost... because it proves you have a navigational sense of where "Home" is.  You know that a place that feels like being found exists.  And maybe your current location isn't that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lost-ness just brought you closer to it." - Erica Harris

It's strange, but nothing makes me more nervous than coming back to something after having pushed and left it for a long period of time.  Having just checked my Bloggers page, I've realized that it's been a month since my last blog post...it definitely hasn't felt as long as that.  Instead of apologizing though for my long-absence from this blog, I'd just try and satisfy your blog-ppetites with a post!  

I've always admired bloggers who blog regularly with topics in mind and a specific purpose to their blog.  I love checking out fashion/skincare/technology blogs, really just anything that catches my interest and for a long time before setting up this blog - I'd thought about what I'd like to blog about were it to happen.  Predictably enough, I just ended up going for the personal daily life type.  This added with my personality has turned me into the type of blogger that only blogs when I want to.  I never want to leave a short message or just a blog post with a picture on here - my thoughts are just if I'm going to blog, i might as well do it when I want about what I want.  Selfish? Maybe just a little.  But I also hope you'd rather read something I genuinely wanted to say than something I'd churned out like a piece of homework.

This past month or so has been full of...well, just stuff.  I've received all my university offers and am now going through the more-painful-than-waiting process of deciding on my first and second choices for unis.  Being an excessive worrier, I've tried to take everything from accommodation, catering, social groups and etc into account (ironically, the only thing I haven't really thought extensively about is the course that I'm applying for and the professors; in other words all the academic stuff...but I figured it'd be just as tough no matter where I go anyways).  I've also wracked up around 5 essays due in next week that I've been pushing and pushing for the two weeks or so as well as some translation works that as of today, is officially late. The bitter aftertaste of procrastination indeed.   

As all the stress has been piling up this year, I've realized how hard it is now to just take a break, lay back and do nothing.  Just two years ago, I spent nearly every minute of my available time on the internet or out with friends and taking a break and breaking out of my usual "zone" meant actually studying for once.  Not that I'm anymore studious now, but even whilst I'm typing out this blog post, there's a looming shadow in the back of my brain that says "OVERDUE WORK".  In neon lighting.  That's how prominent it is.  Nowadays, the only time I really feel as though I'm "taking a break" and kicking back is when I'm doing something out of the norm that ends up being strangely comforting : like replying emails.

I've always been a writer in terms of communication - emails, instant messages, texts etc. They're definitely my most favoured medium of communication and from when I was young, I've always really believed that words deserve such respect from us who use them everyday, sometimes carelessly.  (This might be also why I never use abbreviations or chatspeak...just seeing LOLs and BRBs make me cringe to no end).  Lately, I've gone back to emailing friends instead of catching them on skype like I usually do and it's been a strangely comforting and therapeutic experience.  I've never constantly emailed someone before but having done it with a friend now for around 2 months and over the course of 10 emails or so, I've rediscovered how soothing it is to write things out line by line and watch your own thoughts and feelings take shape.  It's also definitely helped me to catch up with my friends and to talk about things that we normally we wouldn't delve deep into.  Nothing gives me as much satisfaction now as seeing emails pop up in my hotmail inbox - sad? Maybe. But it works for me.

With that, my stress is slowly minimizing and I'm learning to cope with it in new ways that are more effective than just sitting and wondering what I should do for the next 3 hours of my life.  Those emails have made me laugh and reminisce about the past, wonder and think about the future and overall, just enjoy how it feels to live in the now.  It's always hard not to wonder what other things you can be doing or how other people's lives are so much more fruitful or seem so much more exciting, but sometime this year, for possibly the first time in my life, I've consciously felt as though something was in my grasp.  And even though I don't know what that "something" is or when "it" appeared or when "it" will disappear, just the thought of knowing that it exists makes me feel infinitely better.

And leaving on that note! Happy 1st of March to everyone - if anyone's birthday was on the 29th of February then I hope you celebrated it specially! Will hopefully write soon (:

I've realized that I tend to post a lot at night...something about sitting in the dark with a lit up computer screen seems to put me into a very philosophy and deep albeit very very tired mood.  Looking back at some of my posts I've realized that most of the posts where I tend to write a lot and about things that really bother me or have some genuine thought behind them are ones I've written deep in the middle of the night..or very early on in the morning-whichever you prefer.  

Right now though, it's the middle of the day! Still morning (I just stealthily creeped back into my room after my first class) and since my deep thinking mode hasn't been triggered yet I thought I'd just take the chance to actually write about some of the things I do as my routine in life (:

I spend around the majority of my time on the computer...in fact that's probably an understatement.  I'm the one who has around 10 websites on my favourites bar and visits all of them daily and repeatedly...if I happen to be having an extremely unsociable and all in all quite pathetically uneventful day.  This happens more than I'd like to admit.  Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Fanfiction, Fictionpress are my daily drugs.  Once I go through all those websites and look at all the things I want/need to, I do it all over again! Just joking,kind of.  A portion of my time's spent on translating! I can never take translating in large doses so I tend to do 3-4 pages per day trying to even it out.  This more than occasionally fails on me and I end up going crazy the night before my deadline but translating is definitely one of my favourite/most productive aspects of my life.

I'm also big on music - whether that's downloading (imagine my devastation when megaupload got taken down...) or just looking for new music.  And my music taste is definitely broad although, and I'm sorry for fans of this genre of music, heavy-metal and screamo really don't do it for me.  Anything else though and I'm good to go.  As stereotypically asian as it sounds, I have a love-hate relationship with musical instruments.  I absolutely hated the piano when I was young, from around 4-14 I asked my Mom if I could quit every single day.  Strangely enough, it's one of my favourite instruments now and a lot of music I listen to have piano accompaniments or are piano soundtracks.  Those who're familiar with Studio Ghibli Animations (Spirited Away, Castle in the Sky, Howl's moving Castle) and are familiar with their soundtrack composer, Joe Hisaishi will know what I'm talking about when I say his soundtracks are beautiful.

Ending off with a little story! I blame it on my genes, but strangely enough I've always been a pretty contradictory and just kind of complex person. (Or so my friends so, I really wouldn't know..I personally think I'm pretty simple).  Everyone I've met seems taken aback by how I seem to have hit that very line in the middle between different elements of characteristics.  I'm immensely lazy but when I get down to it I can retain my concentration for a long long amount of time.  I can be pretty unsociable and cold but if I wanted to I can be suuper friendly as well. Most people find that the person I seem to be on the outside and the person I am on the inside complete opposites...

The first time I realized this was how I appeared to people was when I was in primary 6.  During primary school, I received a class assignment where depending on how we think our personalities were we had to allocate an adjective to ourselves.  There were a choice of 11 to choose from which were supposed to be the 11 basic types of personalities that children had.  Obviously there were overlaps but we were supposed to pick the one that was most prominent.  Stuff like "The Inquisitor" or "The Judge" or "The Thinker" etc... Being a bit more cynical now..all it seems to do is to encourage stereotypes but back then everyone was really into this.  So I took the assignment home and sat on the kitchen table for hours trying to figure it out.  In the end - I asked my mom for help.  My Mom took one look at it and said "...this doesn't really work for you.  You're sort of everything and nothing (Mom's great tact shining through here)".  Somehow I've always chosen to take what she said as a compliment rather than an insult. (My teacher told me the same thing, only in a nicer way the day after that).  In the end, I handed in my assignment blank and put down exactly what my Mom said at the bottom of my sheet.  Mission well accomplished, I think.

This is definitely going to be a short post but considering I've been working my arse off all day in preparation for my exams the coming week I thought I'd give myself a break and share something absolutely breathtaking with all of you! 

This video is a Time-lapse of Hong Kong in high definition and it's managed to capture so many of the places that I love about Hong Kong that it made me feel infinitely more homesick.  There's nothing like watching a beautiful video about the place you love and miss the most - if my girliness had untimely kicked in i have no doubts i'd have cried.  For all you who are less of an emotional wreck though - see this as in introduction to Hong Kong!  If I were you I'd go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqhNN2fh-Ew&feature=share and watch it there though - it'd be a larger size. Remember to select 720p! 

This video aside, I also wanted to make a shout out to anyone who reads this blog and is from America.  I'm sincerely hoping you guys are campaigning against the SOPA bill.  I've definitely signed as many petitions as I can - without the sharing of free information I honestly don't know what I'd do.  A lot of the things that I hold dear like translating and reading manga will definitely be banned, not to mention of course my grades would undoubtedly take a dive without my ability to rely on google and wikipedia.  All jokes aside though, I do think the bill would go against a lot of the values and freedom that we fight for now so please put in your piece and help prevent the bill from passing!

Hoping you all have a lovely weekend and for my fellow chinese or hong kong-nese: hope you're having an amazing time getting ready for Chinese New Year! Nothing like getting red packets to brighten up the day (: